Run Happee

Yes, I’m all over the place…

Posted on: January 16, 2013

It’s been 4 months since I have posted here at Mom Is Gonna Run.  Last time I updated, I shared with you the details about my first half marathon and the unfortunate downfall that came with it…something apparently every runner deals with at some point: their first running injury.  Mine just so happened to have me off my feet, no weight baring exercising for a couple months, which put me in a bad place I’ve been struggling to get out of ever since.

Honestly, I’ve been okay to walk, jog, run, jump for awhile now.  But I just haven’t gotten back out there.  Maybe it’s the fear of getting hurt again.  Maybe I’ve lost the drive and momentum I had for all those months, starting this time last year.  Whatever it is, I’m having to give myself a swift kick in the bum.  Race time is coming up.

In an effort to get me going, about a month ago I signed myself up for the Virginia is for Lovers Sweetheart 6k on February 9th in Virginia Beach.  And here it is 24 days away and I’m definitely not ready for it.  Not to mention, I’m registered for the  Shamrock Half Marathon on March 17th, also in Virginia Beach, 60 days away, and I am not in half marathon shape.  And this will be my 2nd half marathon.  I should be more than on my way to being ready.

So what’s the problem?  What’s the hold up?  That’s something my body and my mind have been asking each other over and over again for weeks now.

I don’t know if this is part of the “quarter life crisis” situation from turning 30 in November.  Maybe somehow I’m still a little depressed or in a funk or whatever because of it.  I do have a lot going on.  I have a lot to work on.  A lot to work out in my life.  A lot to change.

I just started college again last Tuesday.  I haven’t been in school for quite a long while so this is a huge adjustment for me.  And I’m taking 4 out of 5 of my classes at the college, as opposed to taking them all online.  So, I am having to learn how to manage my time outside of a schedule, especially because these classes require so much studying and work outside the classroom during the rest of the week to be successful.  I am very overwhelmed.  In fact, I feel stupid.  I have gotten a little panicky.  There is so much I need to do, to organize, to take care of, and yet I have something that is now the biggest priority in my life, that I cannot fall back on, I cannot fail at.  I cannot screw this up.  This is my about my future, my daughters’ future.  And I can no longer put that on the backburner and procrastinate and NOT take charge of it.  I have to do my schoolwork and I have to do it well.

But I feel like there is so much chaos going on.  So much disorganization, so much clutter.  And though it’s only the 2nd week of the semester, I’m already behind.  And that has my anxiety acting up at times, I can’t sleep a wink.  Like right now.  It’s 1 o clock in the morning and I will likely be awake all night.

I wish I could take care of everything at once.  I know that’s impossible, but it still would be nice.  If I could just not only catch up but get myself ahead, and get organized, I may be able to calm down.  And maybe I would have enough determination and sense from then on not to drop the ball again.  To always stay on top of things, no matter what.

Even the smallest things, such as my email, makes me anxious, chaotic feeling.  I know it’s there.  I know it’s cluttered and needs to be gone through and checked and read and responded to.  I know certain lists need to be unsubscribed from.  If getting my email sorted out can bring me a small amount of piece to get through other things and tackle them, that’s the first thing I will start with.

Yes, it’s definitely going to be a long, late, productive (no matter how insignificant it seems) night.

And how did I get from running to this?  The joys of ADHD.  Maybe I’ll get my mind organized soon, too.  Bear with me!

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6 Responses to "Yes, I’m all over the place…"

You are doing a lot all at once. Perhaps it’s too much to do both marathons and instead you should start looking at the running as ‘me’ time. No phone, no computer, no one asking you to do this, that or the other thing. Just Heather, the road/trail and the run. If you don’t have an escape, you’ll crack. You need the ‘down’ time and sometimes that can be obtained when the body is in motion and the mind shuts off to just be in that moment and concentrate on the task. We make ourselves crazy worrying over the future and obsessing over the past that sometimes we forget to just Be. After all, we are human beings, not human doings. Exercise is often what I do to just be and concentrate on myself, maybe it will work for you too.

Yes, I am doing a lot at once. And before, I thought I could handle it. I had registered and committed to both of these races before I started school, before I realized how much of an adjustment going back to college as a single parent and after being out of school for so many years was going to be for me. And even last year, when I was training and was able to enjoy it, before I got injured, I still had another escape…my long standing, since I was a small child escape: reading. Now, there’s no longer an opportunity for even that, since the reading that I do is all for school.

I do like your way of thinking. Having my running as just my “me” time. I mean, sure, it could still be my means of losing weight, but it also makes me feel good, which is ultimately the goal. Creating the opportunity for escape/downtown is just something else I’m going to have to work on when it comes to myself and my life right now.

Reading is my other escape too, however that gets interrupted by life a lot more often than I’d like! I steal at least 30 minutes in the morning to get out and go for a jog before the rest of my ‘to do’ list starts to get me down. Helps me manage the day better if I know I’ve already done something that I enjoyed that was good for me and that got my head on straight before the stress begins. School is a full time job in itself, as is being a single parent. You’re doing good – give yourself a break now and again and think about how far you’ve come instead of always how far you wish to go.

Ah, you do have a point there. Reading does often get interrupted. And I guess it’s like trying to take a nap with a newborn baby. You might get the sleep, but it’s not good sleep, full, uninterrupted sleep. It’s broken up, never a deep sleep and you never feel completely rested. Going off on your own for an allotted amount of time to go walking or running, you get the full escape, no interruptions. Not sure why I had to do the comparisons, but whatever!

Yes, school is definitely proving to be a full time, hair pulling job so far. And more so, the people in my life, or some of them, the ones that you’d think would be supportive, are the ones bringing me down and making me more stressed and anxious.

Thanks. I guess I have come far, considering where I once was. :)

“Quarter life crisis…” Optimistic, aren’t we? Anyway, I didn’t suffer an injury (thank God) when I did my 1st HM in September 2013 but it did teach me two things: there’s a reason long distance runners are slim and that you get what you train for. I don’t think I’ve given up my dream of running a sub 2 hour HM but I do know that my body isn’t there yet and with that I’m going to increase running strength exercises and focus on 10Ks this year. The HMs will still be there in 2014 and I’ll be stronger for them. Good luck with college and both races. It’s a lot, especially when you sprinkle being a parent on top, but I’m confident you’ll create a way and make it happen.

You DO have a lot going on right now, no reason to feel bad about feeling overwhelmed! You have accomplished your goals in the past, and you can do it again. You just have to put your mind to it, and I know that’s tough. One thing I’m finding strange in training for HM #2 is not only how things are physically different than the first time, but how different my mindset is this time around. In some ways, I want it more than I did before, and in some ways, I want it less. It’s strange.

You may or may not have given me a small panic attack by counting the days left until Shamrock…ahhhhhh!

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